This will be one of the most difficult articles I’ve written so far. I will try not going into too much detail, and get right on point, as abandonment is something not many of us want to analyze. We just want it to stop. This incredibly difficult moment is something almost everyone I had the chance to speak with went through, including myself.
Why people abandon us?
There are a lot of scientific explanations on how abandonment impacts the person’s mind, and how you can reduce its devastating effects. But I will not cover that. Instead, I’ll take a different approach.
Recently, a friend of mine for whom I thought would be there through thick and thin simply abandoned me. Just like that. Naturally, I tried analyzing every single scenario in the book, searching for why, how, and what did I say wrong. I must have went through a thousand different scenarios, looking for what actually happened. When I finally asked her why, all I got (taking a deep breath):
“You were too much.”
No coaching certificate, years of working with world-famous speakers and entrepreneurs, dozens of coaching clients, or hundreds of personality type written articles in the past could have prepared me for these words.
I felt as if they hurt they very core of my soul, the essence of who I am. And to this day, this and events like these are among the most painful ones I ever had to go through. If I’m honest with you, I often have nightmares because of it.
However, in a brief moment of clarity during all that confusion and sadness, I found something that instantly made me feel, well I don’t want to say better, but more focused.
None of it was your fault
I’m gonna be as clear as I possibly can here. Nothing you did or said contributed for that person to abandon you. It wasn’t your fault, none of it. It was their decision, and their decision alone, period. You did everything you could to preserve that relationship.
It’s impossible for me to say: “Move on” or “Forget about it”. We both know that’s not going to happen today. But what I will say is, when one door close, another opens. I know, sounds so cliché, right? Well it’s true. Never will you see a closed path without the universe opening another one for you. Call it however you want, but this is how life works.
Make no mistake, abandonment will hurt like hell, worse than any other nightmare you ever dreamed of. But it happened because it had to happen. Did you deserve it? Of course not! Are you a good person? Of course you are! Stop there, please my friend. Don’t dig deeper. I searched for closure in my most recent abandonment event. Yet the further I looked, the sadder I became.
When someone leaves you, grieve it, be sad about it, cry it out, but that’s not the end. I realized even as the wound was still fresh, that there will always be someone who will stay. There’s always going to be that one soul who will accept you just the way you are, and simply refuse to leave.
If you’re going through abandonment right now, or if memories of it returned, remember one thing. Don’t abandon yourself. I know how you feel, I’ve been there. But I assure you, it will hurt more if you start digging deeper and search for a closure.
You got it already. That person left without giving you the decency of a simple explanation. Let that be your closing moment. If there’s one thing our mind and heart agree with (that’s a miracle by itself), it’s that some people will choose to exit our life no matter what we say or do.
Why people abandon us? Because they’re making room for those who won’t be a mere chapter in your book of life. They will write that novel alongside with you, right to the very end. 🙂
Please remember something I already mentioned. Your value is not determined by someone inability to see it. Don’t abandon who you are and be your own greatest hero. You already are one in my book. <3
Have you ever experienced abandonment? What did you do to overcome it? We would deeply appreciate to hear your thoughts in the comments below.