Why People Abandon Us

Dear friend,

This will be one of the most difficult articles I’ve written so far. I will try not going into too much detail, and get right on point, as abandonment is something not many of us want to analyze. We just want it to stop. This incredibly difficult moment is something almost everyone I had the chance to speak with went through, including myself.

Why people abandon us?

There are a lot of scientific explanations on how abandonment impacts the person’s mind, and how you can reduce its devastating effects. But I will not cover that. Instead, I’ll take a different approach.

Recently, a friend of mine for whom I thought would be there through thick and thin simply abandoned me. Just like that. Naturally, I tried analyzing every single scenario in the book, searching for why, how, and what did I say wrong. I must have went through a thousand different scenarios, looking for what actually happened. When I finally asked her why, all I got (taking a deep breath):

“You were too much.”

No coaching certificate, years of working with world-famous speakers and entrepreneurs, dozens of coaching clients, or hundreds of personality type written articles in the past could have prepared me for these words.

I felt as if they hurt they very core of my soul, the essence of who I am. And to this day, this and events like these are among the most painful ones I ever had to go through. If I’m honest with you, I often have nightmares because of it.

However, in a brief moment of clarity during all that confusion and sadness, I found something that instantly made me feel, well I don’t want to say better, but more focused.

None of it was your fault

I’m gonna be as clear as I possibly can here. Nothing you did or said contributed for that person to abandon you. It wasn’t your fault, none of it. It was their decision, and their decision alone, period. You did everything you could to preserve that relationship.

It’s impossible for me to say: “Move on” or “Forget about it”. We both know that’s not going to happen today. But what I will say is, when one door close, another opens. I know, sounds so cliché, right? Well it’s true. Never will you see a closed path without the universe opening another one for you. Call it however you want, but this is how life works.

Make no mistake, abandonment will hurt like hell, worse than any other nightmare you ever dreamed of. But it happened because it had to happen. Did you deserve it? Of course not! Are you a good person? Of course you are! Stop there, please my friend. Don’t dig deeper. I searched for closure in my most recent abandonment event. Yet the further I looked, the sadder I became.

When someone leaves you, grieve it, be sad about it, cry it out, but that’s not the end. I realized even as the wound was still fresh, that there will always be someone who will stay. There’s always going to be that one soul who will accept you just the way you are, and simply refuse to leave.

If you’re going through abandonment right now, or if memories of it returned, remember one thing. Don’t abandon yourself. I know how you feel, I’ve been there. But I assure you, it will hurt more if you start digging deeper and search for a closure.

You got it already. That person left without giving you the decency of a simple explanation. Let that be your closing moment. If there’s one thing our mind and heart agree with (that’s a miracle by itself), it’s that some people will choose to exit our life no matter what we say or do.

Why people abandon us? Because they’re making room for those who won’t be a mere chapter in your book of life. They will write that novel alongside with you, right to the very end. 🙂

Please remember something I already mentioned. Your value is not determined by someone inability to see it. Don’t abandon who you are and be your own greatest hero. You already are one in my book. <3



Have you ever experienced abandonment? What did you do to overcome it? We would deeply appreciate to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

12 thoughts on “Why People Abandon Us”

  1. It’s confusing to see things how we do yet realize that others have their own completely different angle of view. When you read forums of how people view the downsides of infjs….wow. What they think they see is absolutely nothing like how we feel. Reading these widespread views made me accept our differences with the general population a little easier. We can’t change how they THINK they know us, so we will never be what kind of friend they want. Realizing that we really are probably “too much” sure isn’t easy, but in all fairness we also avoid people who drain us. It is SO easy to go back and hash out the hows and whys and wonder why things didn’t click like you thought it did, but like you said- dwelling on it only digs us deeper down. We just need to feel blessed to have our positive qualities and appreciate those who love us despite our more difficult traits. If someone ghosts me I don’t ask why because I don’t trust that I’ll get a boldly honest answer. But I love your “one door closes and another opens” take on it. Positivity we all can use! 😊

  2. I love how you say it makes room for another door to open. I used to drive myself crazy trying to find out or figure out why someone abandoned me. Now I take it that they were in my life for the time that was needed for me to grow and so long as I love myself, I will attract others into my life. You are right though. No matter how philosophical you get, it still hurts.

    1. Agree, Pat, it still hurts… We are human, it will hurt. But there’s always a deeper meaning behind it, even when we don’t see at that moment when are going through it. Thank you so much for sharing our thoughts on this! 🙂

  3. Dear Marko, I don’t have any tips or answers…. I just want to say ‘thank you’ for writing/ posting this article! I have been hurting, struggling and racking my brain for approximately a year trying to figure out what I did/said, or did not do/say, or what-if this or that… or maybe it was some unresolved psychological issue from childhood, that caused the demise of the relationship between myself and a significant other. I have had a very difficult time trying to process through this loss. In fact it has seemed overwhelming to me many times and I just felt ‘stuck.’ But, in reading this, it has helped me see more objectively- that- yes, it was their decision to leave, and also their choice not to share with me their thoughts or reasons for doing so. I am grateful that you have helped me to shift my perspective! THANK YOU!

    1. Dear Shonda, my apologies for not responding earlier. I am so sorry for everything bad that has happened to you in the past year… 🙁 I can understand you all too well when it comes to asking ourselves those questions, what did we do or said… Please remember what I’m about to say” Nothing, absolutely nothing you could have done in the past would change the outcome and what happened. Believe me, there was nothing different you could have done to prevent what happened. it was their decision, and their decision alone. I’m humbled my article helped you, and I am so grateful for your kind support! You are not alone! 🙂

  4. When I was a teenager, a lot of “friends” told me I was “too much”. I told myself they were Young and fool.
    But just 3 years ago the person who was then my best friend abandoned me when I needed her the most. My daughter was just born and I was tired and alone because I had become a SAHM. She refused my offer to hang out once, twice, 15 times. I stopped looking for her. So she looked for me but she did not hang out with me, she invited me to hang out with her while she was with someone else. I confronted her and she told me (brace yourself now):
    She did not work. She lived with her parents. She had a new boyfriend.
    But she had no time.
    Now I don’t write to her anymore, let alone call her. Sometimes, she calls me, insist on hanging out, and let me know she feels I am being unpolite. I almost alwyas refuse her invitations. I clearly told her I do not want her in my life anymore: she was offended and said that I was unfair, she likes me but is soooo busy! She never stopped looking for me. For weeks she ignores me then out of the blue she calls multiple times insisting on hanging out. Then disappears again.
    I don’t understand her behaviour, nor want to… but I have thought for all these years there must be something wrong with me.

    1. Thank you for choosing to share this with us, Maia. There is nothing wrong with you. Your genuine friends, those who are meant to stay in your life will honor your decision, and they will stay by your side, no matter what. I am sorry you had to go through this… But there’s nothing wrong with you, please know that.

  5. I read several comments about when one door closes another opens ..but that didn’t happen to me. An old friend abandoned me abruptly and very unexpectedly. I learned thru a third party she no longer wanted the friendship I wrote to her several times to try and make amends but she never answered me This was a while ago, and the universe has not brought better friends into my life. Actually another old friend died unexpectedly, giving me more loss. So ..why hasn’t the other door opened?

    1. Thank you for this comment, Susan! Other door did not open right away, because for something meaningful, especially connections takes time… I know, we would prefer that it happens right away… But I believe that time between and ending and a new beginning serves us to look what happened, so that we can embrace that new that will come. I’m really sorry about your friend, I am… 🙁 Use this time to give a little bit of care to yourself, before new people come into your life… Give yourself a bit of self-care, you really earned it after all that happened… You got my full support!

  6. I am grateful to have come across this. I was always abandoned by the masses. And whenever I tried to start anew, join sports clubs, gyms, workshops, I was abandoned too – often misunderstood. Because I am strong. Because I am different. Because I speak Truth. Yes it hurts. This year I went through a lot – I lost my job, and almost lost my dad who battled for his life for two months. The people I thought would be close – even with regular calls or texts, were those I never heard from. And they were not a lot in number. To add insult to injury, I was removed from a chat, because, according to them, since I was going through a difficult time, I was going to “destroy” the harmony of the group. One also used to blame me for not receiving support, when in reality, I did. Most probably, it was a way to cover up their pride in thinking that they are light workers and are deep people. So far I am still looking for employment and still visiting hospital. Then to my surprise, people I never knew or met asked often about my well being and some even sent money or bought groceries. It felt supportive. But yes, it still hurts. In the meantime, God sent new people and I truly pray that once and for all, I get those who want to stay and love me for who I am.

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