I Don’t Play Games, Speak Your Mind!

Posted on by Marko Kircanski

Dear friend,

I never liked playing games. When I say games, I mean the ones where someone is literally playing with our feelings and emotions. Don’t get me wrong, it’s okay to have fun sometimes, no harm in that. But the kind of games I’m talking about here always send a chill through my spine.

I don’t play games, speak your mind

The explanation for getting to the point preference comes from our trait that searches for meaning and purpose. I must emphasize once more, we love having a good laugh. But there’s a difference between fun and hurting someone. Allow me to explain.

Imagine this scenario: You like someone and you are sending signals to that person that you like them. You start letting them know this in your own unique way. But they are playing with your mind, sending mixed messages, or late-responsive ones with unclear reasons why, childish sentences, and the list goes on and on.

The situation above happened to me more times than I can count. This is why I’m always crystal clear with my intentions. I don’t play mind games that will hurt anyone’s feelings and emotions. Instead, I always insist for that individual to speak their mind and be completely honest.

I want you to remember what I’m about to say. The worst truth will hurt less than the best lie.

So the question is, why this type of behavior doesn’t suit us? Why it’s more repelling than attracting?

Honesty is attractive

The answer is because we like authenticity. We value honesty, respect, and understanding. We also fully realize that there is a small amount of people who will give us that feedback at the same level that we so selflessly give. So we just want from that person to honor how we feel and be frank with us.

There are many people that are always open for jokes and fun. But that needs to be only until the point where our emotions are not being toyed with. I consider myself to have a very broad and weird sense of humor, but I can’t laugh over a fact that someone uses my kindness in a negative way.

It doesn’t matter how young or old you are, this behavior can be universal. And in most cases, there’s no bad intent behind it. I want to believe that people mean no harm when they sometimes make jokes about how we feel. But there’s a thin line between understanding and insult.

This is why honesty can be so damn attractive! Tell us what the situation really is, and don’t play with how we feel. This acts like a magnet that will draw us closer to you. But we all have our limits when it comes to hurtful behavior. There’s an incredible quote from a famous Canadian poet Najwa Zebian that perfectly explains how we react to coldness, mean jokes, and indifference:

“Fear the day a good heart gives up on you. A heart does not turn cold unless it’s been treated with coldness for a while.”

Your heart can withstand so much, and that’s the truth. It can sustain enormous levels of being hurt, and still find a way to shine and spread the light. I like comparing it with a lighthouse that shows the way. 🙂

So give that gentle, light-spreading miracle in your chest a gift in the form of a presence of someone who will not toy with it, but cherish it. You earned that kindness. ❤

Xo,

Marko


How do you cope when someone makes jokes about your emotions? What’s your defense mechanism? We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

3 Effective Ways To Avoid Conflict

Posted on by Marko Kircanski

Hi my friend,

If there’s one thing I don’t like and constantly try to avoid, its conflict. My personality is peaceful by default, and everything that even resembles an argument I tend to escape from. Upon hearing someone raising their voice, all my senses become highly sensitive, especially if there’s disagreement nearby. Sometimes it won’t be possible for you to leave the vicinity where raised voices are, but there’s something you can do.

Why you should avoid conflict

Few years back when I was on a large conference (I was an event manager back then), there were a lot of politicians, actors, and people from the public life present. Despite the fact that I was part of the organization team, true to my INFJ personality, I was standing near the exit (having a glass of wine which I rarely have), and observing.

At some point, a loud argument started between participants who have a difference in opinion due to their different professions. Instead of simply exchanging thoughts, they started arguing loudly and upsetting everyone else. In all honesty, my first instinct was to head for the nearest exit. But the peacemaker in me kicked in, and I wanted to see what can be done to avoid further escalation of this argument.

What I did then didn’t just calmed the situation down, but it also set the foundation on how would I approach conflict for the future. So now I’ll share with you three effective ways I used back then to peacefully handle what was turning out to be much more than just a difference in opinion.

3 Effective Ways To Avoid Conflict

  1. Maintain peaceful voice tonality. Whatever happens, don’t raise your voice. It’s a scientific fact that a human mind reacts defensively upon hearing loud noises. Remain calm and calculated, even if you don’t receive the same treatment. You would be surprised how well all sides will react when they hear your soothing words.
  2. Carefully listen what everyone says. If you want to avoid a conflict escalating, you need to listen everyone’s side of the story. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, just listen. It will only take few seconds for people around you to calm down when they notice you paying attention to what they say. In today’s world, people listen to reply. So instead, you should listen to understand, which will make all the difference.
  3. Don’t take sides, acknowledge them. I cannot comprehend how important this is. Of course you will immediately recognize who is right. But the thing is, your goal is to avoid further conflict so only confirm what everyone said and perhaps find common ground. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say your what you think. But the best course of action is to verify what everyone said and seek a connecting thought.The next time when you see an impending argument, try to apply one or all of these techniques. I guarantee they will work! This is why I always encourage everyone to always be that voice of reason. 🙂

Be The Peacemaker

It’s amazing how a calm voice, listening ear, and careful attention can have a huge impact in an argument. Maybe it won’t give all the answers, and probably not everyone will be equally pleased with the solution, but it will bring the situation into our element, which is a constructive conversation.

Conflict can be easily avoided if you remember these three amazing traits: attention, listening, and calmness. Use them whenever you can, and observe the marvelous, positive change they will create! 🙂

Love, 

Marko

What do you do to bring peace to an existing argument? What is your experience with this? As always, we would love to hear from you in the comments below!

How To Survive A Draining Social Gathering

Posted on by Marko Kircanski

Hi friends,

Social gatherings can be incredibly scary. Some meet-ups can bring us joy, but they can also bring overwhelm. It’s not about spending huge chunks of time in crowded places filled with people, we can handle that. Of course we love spending time with those we love, but we also need to be alone with our own thoughts too. That’s why I have a confession.

I love spending meaningful dates alone

First of all, a disclaimer. I love being in the company of those who I see as my family and closest friends. Nothing fills my heart with joy more than seeing friends I haven’t seen for a long time, giving them a hug, and enjoy having meaningful conversations with them.

However, a few years back, I made a decision to start spending meaningful dates alone. One of the reasons why is because I didn’t want to wait for certain days to see the ones I care for. If I want to see someone and if they want to see me, no distance will be too much or too exhausting for us to meet.

I also chose to spend time with those who see me as an important part of their life and not just an option among many. I know the pain of being in a crowded social gathering and feeling more lonely than ever. So I decided, no more of that.

It can be painful to see all those pictures on social networks of happy families being together. We’re human after all. But inner peace plays a huge role in my life, and I would rather be alone, than with those who will completely drain my energy.

If you are having an impending social gathering of any kind, here’s few useful and tested insights you can use to survive it. 🙂

How to survive a social gathering

Before you even go, it’s crucial that you plan your day before the event starts. Clear your schedule and make room for self-care. Maybe you can’t take a day off work, but you can dedicate the rest of the day to yourself.

Choose to do only what makes you feel replenished. For me, that’s playing video games, stargazing, and of course reading and writing. You see, I’m an introvert, and we know that social gathering will probably drain our batteries. This is why taking the time to replenish before everything starts helps so much.

When you are already there, I want you to remember this. You are not obligated to talk to everyone all the time. Just because you showed up doesn’t mean you have to be constantly “on”. Make a bathroom break, go outside for a minute, and get some fresh air. No one will say anything, and even if they do, you don’t need to pay attention to it.

How much you stay depends solely up to you. Please don’t fall under the pressure that you are a party pooper. You don’t owe anything to anyone. You made a decision to come, and only you are responsible when you’ll return home.

During huge family gatherings, those who want to have a breather alone can be an easy prey to that chatty relatives. Even if you find yourself surrounded by them, know that you can leave whenever you choose. And no, you won’t insult anyone, not if they really appreciate and know you.

What to do if you still get overwhelmed

Give yourself the permission to walk away from any social gathering that depletes your energy. You’re not selfish or arrogant, you just need to recharge. I had situations when my family didn’t understand my introverted nature. Of course I felt guilty, so I’m glad I can now tell you this:

You are not hurting anyone by choosing to take care of yourself.

Your true friends will understand. If they don’t, well, it’s time that you consider making some changes in your friendship circle.

Don’t blame yourself for choosing to love who you are. Whether you see it or not, you’re already giving so much of yourself to everyone and that’s a fact. So I think you earned the right to be there for you a little bit.

Meaningful dates can be rough, especially if you have many relatives and friends coming over. But whatever you choose to do, don’t forget to accept the fact that it’s your decision will you have a great time or a draining one.

I hope you’ll make a decision to look after yourself whenever a draining social gathering comes. You owe yourself that my dear friend. 🙂

It’s your turn

What are your thoughts on big social gatherings? How are you handling them? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below, I would love to hear from you!

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Xo,

Marko