Why People Abandon Us

Dear friend,

This will be one of the most difficult articles I’ve written so far. I will try not going into too much detail, and get right on point, as abandonment is something not many of us want to analyze. We just want it to stop. This incredibly difficult moment is something almost everyone I had the chance to speak with went through, including myself.

Why people abandon us?

There are a lot of scientific explanations on how abandonment impacts the person’s mind, and how you can reduce its devastating effects. But I will not cover that. Instead, I’ll take a different approach.

Recently, a friend of mine for whom I thought would be there through thick and thin simply abandoned me. Just like that. Naturally, I tried analyzing every single scenario in the book, searching for why, how, and what did I say wrong. I must have went through a thousand different scenarios, looking for what actually happened. When I finally asked her why, all I got (taking a deep breath):

“You were too much.”

No coaching certificate, years of working with world-famous speakers and entrepreneurs, dozens of coaching clients, or hundreds of personality type written articles in the past could have prepared me for these words.

I felt as if they hurt they very core of my soul, the essence of who I am. And to this day, this and events like these are among the most painful ones I ever had to go through. If I’m honest with you, I often have nightmares because of it.

However, in a brief moment of clarity during all that confusion and sadness, I found something that instantly made me feel, well I don’t want to say better, but more focused.

None of it was your fault

I’m gonna be as clear as I possibly can here. Nothing you did or said contributed for that person to abandon you. It wasn’t your fault, none of it. It was their decision, and their decision alone, period. You did everything you could to preserve that relationship.

It’s impossible for me to say: “Move on” or “Forget about it”. We both know that’s not going to happen today. But what I will say is, when one door close, another opens. I know, sounds so cliché, right? Well it’s true. Never will you see a closed path without the universe opening another one for you. Call it however you want, but this is how life works.

Make no mistake, abandonment will hurt like hell, worse than any other nightmare you ever dreamed of. But it happened because it had to happen. Did you deserve it? Of course not! Are you a good person? Of course you are! Stop there, please my friend. Don’t dig deeper. I searched for closure in my most recent abandonment event. Yet the further I looked, the sadder I became.

When someone leaves you, grieve it, be sad about it, cry it out, but that’s not the end. I realized even as the wound was still fresh, that there will always be someone who will stay. There’s always going to be that one soul who will accept you just the way you are, and simply refuse to leave.

If you’re going through abandonment right now, or if memories of it returned, remember one thing. Don’t abandon yourself. I know how you feel, I’ve been there. But I assure you, it will hurt more if you start digging deeper and search for a closure.

You got it already. That person left without giving you the decency of a simple explanation. Let that be your closing moment. If there’s one thing our mind and heart agree with (that’s a miracle by itself), it’s that some people will choose to exit our life no matter what we say or do.

Why people abandon us? Because they’re making room for those who won’t be a mere chapter in your book of life. They will write that novel alongside with you, right to the very end. 🙂

Please remember something I already mentioned. Your value is not determined by someone inability to see it. Don’t abandon who you are and be your own greatest hero. You already are one in my book. <3

Love

Marko

Have you ever experienced abandonment? What did you do to overcome it? We would deeply appreciate to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

5 Powerful Ways You Can Conquer The Fear Of Abandonment

Dear friend,

Experiencing abandonment is one of the most difficult moments anyone will ever experience. The pain from it can be excruciating. So this time we will avoid giving you examples, because we were all abandoned at some point in life. The memories from these events can be extremely painful, even for us at Dauntless Inspiration.

So instead we will be direct, and share with you five effective ways you can use to approach the fear from abandonment, and overcome it!

5 Ways You Can Conquer The Fear of Abandonment

The fear of abandonment causes us to overthink to the point of obsession. Amazing traits such as our wonderful understanding and sincere empathy are deeply affected because of this fear.

Our trademark virtues become clouded and dry instead of inspirational and joyful. Acknowledging when the fear of abandonment appears in the first place is crucial in handling it.

How to recognize the fear of abandonment

The first signs come immediately after the event that triggered the fear of abandonment. Events such as unkind words, and lack of attention and intimacy from a loved one may trigger that unpleasant fear of abandonment. These signs can vary in strength and duration, but the feeling causes us to feel anxious. In our case, we lose focus and concentration. Reactions based solely on our emotions start to take over.

Don’t get us wrong, there’s nothing wrong with letting emotions take the wheel. But the problem is when that wheel is out of control. To understand fear of abandonment, hammer your emotions with negativity and the result is self-sabotage, guilt, and overthinking. When this happens, we start to see events and words that do not exist.

Even worse is when we start blaming ourselves.

Facing the fear of abandonment

According to an experienced therapist and a famous hypnotism expert Mark Tyrrell, if you have a fear of abandonment, it may stem from experiences you’ve actually had.

It also might simply be a fear of experiences you would hate to have. Tyrrell adds: “Just because someone has been abandoned at some point, it doesn’t inevitably mean they’ll come to have a morbid fear of abandonment later in life.”

Here are some amazing tips to overcome the fear of abandonment:

1. Find the root. When you focus on finding where the fear of abandonment first appeared, you can connect it with the reason why it happened. Your analytical and highly organizational mind will have no trouble connecting the dots and discovering the key reason why abandonment scares you so much.

2. Break it down on paper. It’s not easy for most of us to understand our own thoughts. Especially when they are about our deepest fears, such as abandonment. Write them on paper. They don’t have to be organized or structured. They don’t even have to make sense. Just let them out. When you write how you feel, you immediately get a clearer picture of the problem.

3. Accept that it happened. Denial kills motivation. It has double the effect on the many, because we tend to blame ourselves. We tend to forget that it wasn’t us who abandoned someone; it’s the other way around. When you fully accept the real reason, you are automatically giving yourself the permission to heal.

4. Determine possible actions. Now it’s time to act. But you don’t have to face this alone. Friends and family can be a source of great comfort in a time like this. Seek their support and advice. In case you find yourself alone, look at the abandonment event as a huge lesson. It was there to teach you something and to make you wiser. Close the chapter and open a new blank one. Know when not to go back to someone who abandoned us.

5. Make a decision. Make some sort of an agreement with yourself. Decide that no matter how hard the abandonment was, it won’t stop you from having a future fulfilling relationship or a friendship. The fear may be there, but it’s not there to stop you. It’s there to make you stronger. Fear of abandonment will disappear when you accept it, but never allow it to control you.

Fear is not real

The lack of fear doesn’t make you courageous. The truth is far more simple, yet difficult to accept. True courage lies in complete vulnerability. You will experience abandonment in your life, make no mistake about it. Accept that it happened, but don’t dwell on it.

Don’t close your heart because someone didn’t know how to appreciate that well of goodness that resides within you. Instead, leave it open, but stay cautious. Facing the fear of abandonment is far from easy, but it’s the path to emotional freedom. If there’s one thing so many value, it’s the opportunity to feel free within our own mind.

A great quote about fear, which we love reading, comes from a famous American actor Will Smith:

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. Now do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice.”

You don’t have to be fearless our dear friend, just don’t let fear stop you.

Love,

Marko

Have you ever experienced abandonment?

What effect did it have on you and how did you face it? We would love to know your thoughts on this difficult topic in the comments below!